Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Zero No More

Well, this is Camryn's last day as a "zero!" I'll be honest ... I'm not handling it very well.
It seems like only a month or two ago that I first held her, hearing her little lambie-like cry and marveling that any baby could be born that gooey and beautiful at the same time.
Her infancy has been so smooth - very few times of tough transition or struggle. She has achieved each milestone so quietly and without fuss. Not a whole lot of practicing ahead of time for them. It's like she's decided, "Well, today's the day I'll start sitting up. Using my pincer grasp. Holding my own sippy cup." Such a pleasant baby. We always get comments about what a sweet girl she is, "And look at those eyelashes!" :o) They are quite beautiful, framing those bright blue eyes!
I'm just not really ready to leave the "zero" stage behind. Part of my struggle with moving into toddlerhood with Cam is the knowledge that today might be the last day we have a "zero" in our family. I am in that stage of indecision like I was before becoming pregnant with Camryn. Our family seems so perfect, so healthy, so manageable. I argue with myself back and forth mentally the merits and challenges of adding another person to our family. And that's the catch -- it's not just the addition of another baby, but the gravity of adding another person at all stages to our family. That would be ages 18, 16, 14, and 12 in our home at one time! And to think four kids under 6 would be a challenge, just fast-forward to the teens. :o)
I was so relieved when we unexpectedly became pregnant with Camryn. I had been so tortured with trying to make a decision. God had the mercy on me to make that decision for me. I still have that little yearning to grow another baby inside me, bring him or her into the world, nourish that little body after birth . . . but even after another, would that yearning go away. Does it ever go away, or is that just part of being a woman? Thoughts, moms?
Then, there's the question of adoption. That's something Nick and I have talked about off-and-on since grad school. There are so many children in the world to whom we could offer some of the advantages our biological children enjoy. Another child in the world who could be raised in a Christian home, rich with affection and opportunity.
All these questions, but for today, I will enjoy my "Zero" for one more day!


Cori said...

Mischelle, you made me cry... Give Cam a hug from her Aunt Cori!

Sharon said...

My thoughts---yes, there is a sense of finality! I've heard a lot of people say that and I finally feel it!! So, I think you will "feel" it. You just know. You may not know right now, but you will know. :)

You have a precious ZERO! (by the way)

Fryar Family said...

Mischelle, you have once again used your talent with words to express what so many women feel. I write this note with tears in my eyes...

Andi said...

I am so happy with my two, but I have to admit, there will always be that little part of my that yearns for the joy of being pregnant, of helping a new person become a healthy Christian addition to our crazy world. Are two extensions of Shannon and myself really enough? :)

Valerie said...

I don't think that God every worries about how many children we should have. I think he gets the purest joy from childbirth. No worries over the future (its in His hands)or money, or the teenage years. He gets to to just Love and adore the child and promise him to be forever with him. I know my opinion is not popular with the ones who already have more than me, but I think kids truly are what the bible says, "Blessings", and we should have as many are as able. Only God can decide the able part. As far as adoption, I know the bible is pretty darn specific about taking care of orphans too. Jake and I are praying hard about that option also. hoping to add more "Blessings" to our family soon.
p.s. Wanting more children in no way ever means you are not grateful for the ones you have. God put a spirit of motherhood in us, and I don't think that dies after 1.5 kids. It will remain forever. I think that's why my mother in-law well past the age of childbearing can say how much she will always just "love babies". That's my random two cents. I could be wrong, but this is path God has brought my family to.